Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My work here is done
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops