Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
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それは草
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I have obtained a hat
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.