Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn