HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
How to wake up a Beagle
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho