*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
All excellent questions
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse