My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
A hipster so cool he is reading a tree