HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.


My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing “Yeah, shake that shit…”


ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok


[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week


ME: Hey congrats, I hear you’re pregnant
CLIENT: Yes, thank you!
ME: *trying to think of a good power move* Many species eat their young


WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?


Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.


I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?


a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!