HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

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My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.


Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.


I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.


Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did


Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.


[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy