HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.