HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.