I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Her: Prove that you care about me
Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
NT: Please don’t cry.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
– traveling zombies
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.