If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
wtf management?!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Today’s Times
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot