@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers

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@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

@djdarrellripley

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

@shahrouzt

The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

@envydatropic

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.