cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played