HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.