@ianpauldukes

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

@ReeseButCallMeV

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

@TheAndrewNadeau

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

@kyry5

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

@jus4golf

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

@Steve_hamiltin

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played