I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Sorry. Not sorry
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
How do horror writers compete with current events?