@djdarrellripley

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

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@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@truegritrumble

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

@E_lok44

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

@jdforshort

I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.

THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage

@DistractedMomma

Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.

@izrigrod

if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds

@RodLacroix

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

@joshgondelman

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*