Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I put the mess in domestic.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.