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@patnspankme: her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
@TweetPotato314: doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are....you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
@JesKeepSwimming: I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
@InternetHippo: “What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
@UrbanDouchebag: Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list.
@brittwastaken: Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*