her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
called in thicc to work this morning
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Word!
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?