You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair