HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.