Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
how to exercise your calf muscles
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
what?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.