HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
i did the math
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
This cat wants you to take your pills
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.