Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*