HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
You Might Also Like
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Who does Amazon think I am?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.