@ArfMeasures

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

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@iamdevloper

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

@Sassafrantz

Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.

@bourgeoisalien

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

@zoebread

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

@mattytalks

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

@MikeCanRant

Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.

@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin