HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

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The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool


Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.


At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”


im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat


Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine


WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals


New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @



Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.



HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin