Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what