Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.


Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline


If you ask me to hold your drink, I will.

But I will also drink it. So..you know.


If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.


[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender


I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.


[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake


I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay


Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant