@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

- @tsm560

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@Ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

@kidphonic

Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@ThaJawn

Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!

@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@chuuew

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.