*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.
I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*