@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

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@mommajessiec

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

@missekay

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

@KeetPotato

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@michaelianblack

How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?

@StellaRtwot

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

@WilliamAder

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

@BigHeb7

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*