@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

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@Bearslietoo

Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”

@StuForReal

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

@Tmoney68

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

@ruraljules

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@joejwest

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@robdelaney

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

@PhriendlyCody

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-