Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it “resisting arrest.”
Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-