Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
an airline just for babies.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.