@Biraahwa

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!

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@BritXNic

I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.

@goodbeanalt

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

@markhoppus

[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?