I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
good work, detective
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …when did we get a shed?