Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
An odd boast
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”