@capnwatsisname

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

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@jaclynasiegel

Therapist: Wow, it sounds like academia causes you a lot of anxiety, isolation, guilt, and disappointment.
Me: Yes, I guess you’re right.
Therapist: So what do you intend to do once you finish your PhD?
Me: I would ideally like to get an academic job.
Therapist:
Me:

@LostFelicia

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

@Darlainky

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

@NewDadNotes

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

@DudeMass

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

@tastefactory

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

@CopBroughtPizza

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*