Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

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Therapist: Wow, it sounds like academia causes you a lot of anxiety, isolation, guilt, and disappointment.
Me: Yes, I guess you’re right.
Therapist: So what do you intend to do once you finish your PhD?
Me: I would ideally like to get an academic job.


There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.


Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.


I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.


My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”


Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.


Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.


Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.


BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir


gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*