Therapist: Wow, it sounds like academia causes you a lot of anxiety, isolation, guilt, and disappointment.
Me: Yes, I guess you’re right.
Therapist: So what do you intend to do once you finish your PhD?
Me: I would ideally like to get an academic job.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*