@JebTheJarhead

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

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@Sickayduh

“Nice place!”

Mmmehh

“Hungry?”

Mmmehh

“You look nice.”

Mmmehh

“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”

Mmmehh

“Mom told me not to date a goat.”

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@ValeeGrrl

My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.

@chrisdowning

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

@canazn_73

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

@JillBidenVeep

Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

@TitansHomer

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@TheAndrewNadeau

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.