Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

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“Nice place!”




“You look nice.”




“Mom told me not to date a goat.”


People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.


My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.


A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.


Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.


Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.


Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.


Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
I still have Pringles?


[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story


Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.