Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
What even happened today?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.