@djdarrellripley

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

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@blade_funner

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

@GrantTanaka

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

@RealFartShady

I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@tchrquotes

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

@Brohamulet

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it’s that only 10% of people use their brains.

@sparticus_af

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck