Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.


On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”


I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.


Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.


her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids


Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.


Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.


It’s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it’s that only 10% of people use their brains.


i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit


“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck