When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.