I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.