@drinksmcgee

Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu

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@hoverbird

Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.

@bourgeoisalien

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

@famouscrab

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

@TwinSurvivalist

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@murrman5

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

@rebrafsim

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.