@drinksmcgee

Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@AnniemuMary

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

@radtoria

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@robdelaney

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

@Sanbel11

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

@NotThatKristi

My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”