nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
RT if you know someone like this!!!
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.