HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.