@FeelingEuphoric

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

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@SirEviscerate

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@13spencer

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

@Alvildalikely

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

@Miltgen

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*