All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
HER: so like, what are you into?
HER: no way, me too!
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?