her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️