her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
You Might Also Like
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.