Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Speak now or ever hold your peace
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.