@robotmouthfarts

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

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@HenpeckedHal

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.

@ericsshadow

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

@GrumpyComments

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?

Me: that’s the last thing you should do.

Daughter: oh.

Me: first fight them with forgiveness.

Daughter:

Me: stab them with a smile.

Daughter:

Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.

Daughter:

Me: then kill them with kindness

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.

@BuckyIsotope

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

@EllieM72

The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*