Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.