HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!