her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
You Might Also Like
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.