Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.