I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.