Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
who wore it better?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat