Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton