Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
What a website
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.