Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?