@LackOfShame

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

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@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@BoogTweets

Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

@sixfootcandy

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

@CatherineLMK

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

@gruffybeard

My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”