Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
You Might Also Like
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.