That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first