@UnFitz

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

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@NewDadNotes

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

@sumpeoplelikeit

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”

@chuuew

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@_youhadonejob1

When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.