Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Happy Febuary everyone!
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
getting old is fun
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.