Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.


The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”


Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*


Lincoln should win for most likely DVD to be put on by substitute teachers


i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom


The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first