Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
January has been Januweary
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.