Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…