Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
not for long
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one